Délires I: Vierge folle - L’Époux infernal - Delirium 1: The Foolish Virgin - The Infernal Spouse

This post is a little different, as I am currently sort of backtracking to catch up to where I am currently at I am just going to post what I had posted in my journal while I was hospitalized. The relevancy to this portion of Rimbaud is fairly vague and I think, when you read what I wrote at the time, the best connection is simply the word delirium, and please keep that in mind, I extend that sentiment particularly to my family, as you may have never experienced my unpleasant side before.

Rimbaud: this section consists of the story of a man, enslaved to his “infernal bridegroom” who deceived him and lured his love with false promises.

April 7th 2009; 1:30AM

so this is sort of where i’m at right now. except now it’s darker because it’s night time and the lights are all out and the sun has gone away. they gave me a sleeping pill and it’s been 2 hours and it has not worked at all. they gave me a diuretic when i complained an hour after the sleeping pill had not worked, so now even if the sleeping pill was going to work i’ll be up forever pissing, and quite frankly i’ve probably pissed the pill out already.

i have to piss into a jug and monitor the number of mL each time. i’m getting real sick of this. i just want to go home as soon as possible. now that all of my bandages are off, and can stay off. i’ll be okay. the chemo was not bad, i had no bad tastes, i had no unpleasant reactions, save the steroid they gave me pre-med that made my, pardon my french, dick and rectum burn/itch like i imagine most of the girls that have always been too good to sleep with me make the fat, tattooed boys with the gauged ears and alcohol problems itch. thankfully that sensation, if it can be called that, went away fairly quickly.

i want to be home, i want this over with. i just want to finish my aa and save some money and move back to providence. this is fucking stupid and i’m fooling myself if i really think that any other option is any better than that. maybe it’s all of the hanging out that i haven’t been and won’t be doing, maybe it’s the isolation and the only real goal to focus on being school and all the books i want to read, but i don’t think there is really much here worth a damn for me to worry about. oh, great i can go to the bars with all the people that can’t even stay friends with their friends, i can move downtown and live in some “old” house with room mates and get a job downtown, but for what? i don’t want that, if i had wanted that, i’d have made that happen for myself.

i welcome to solitude that providence gave me, the better weather, the better homes, the better groceries, the wors(e)(t) parking, the people i still had very little interest being friends with, the best sushi, all the real places from all my fake stories in books that i can visit.

i don’t know to think, i don’t know what to do, i just want this bullshit fucking cancer out of me as soon as fucking possible. i have to pee (the safe money is on 300mL) and come back to bed knowing i’m still not tired.”

I was released from the hopsital late in the evening on the 8th. I could not take it anymore, I ran through all their vegetarian options pretty quickly so I was relieved to get the hell out of that god awful room. My father stayed with me the whole time and for that I am thankful because I would have probably had some awful things happen to me had he not been there. I can’t imagine what that was like for him, having to help me to the bathroom every so often, sleeping on what looked like a fairly uncomfortable cot.

My chemo nurse was really great and sociable, she enjoyed my sense of humor a whole lot. Most of the other nurses were just really irritating. You really don’t know how god damn bored you can get with life until you are stuck in a bed in a room in a building full of sick people. I hope I never have to stay in a hospital ever again. However, I still don’t think that working in one would be so bad, but I’m probably wrong. So far, the hospital has been the most painful part of the process.