sidelining the Rimbaud motif

Part I - “Because you can’t kill an Idea, I will not be ruled…
because you can’t kill an idea, and we will not be ruled…”

To start off with - unrelated bit. I’m severely bummed out that I couldn’t make it to Chicago this past weekend for the Burning Fight book release show. I had planned since it was announced to get healthy and take myself for my birthday, the first words my friend said to me over the phone during our first conversation upon his return back to Tampa were, “Dude, I am so bummed you didn’t get to go.”


(credit: matt miller / www.matthewmillerphotography.com)

Everything that I heard about this festival was so positive, I was so happy to hear everything that everyone said about it, how good the atmosphere was, that it made up for me not getting there. It is the current defining point of a recent feeling that my interest in hardcore has reignited and that the overall state of things might be getting better.  The picture I posted above says so many things to me, I want to just walk around and show it to everyone who doesn’t understand and say…”welcome to my world” I’m not capable as a human to put into words what that picture does for me, so I’ll just stop and let it speak for itself, (http://hate5six.com/player.php?album=89580#) People going…completely insane based on anticipation…to the sounds of strings…to the sounds of strings and the occasional beat of a drum…if you have never been so happily anxious that you could not tolerate to not run across a stage and throw your arms out, as if they were wings, as if nothing ever mattered but now - all of the moments in your life where you felt hopeless and powers - none of those mattered, because for an eternity captured in that second or milliseconds that you are airborne, you are fucking invincible, if you have never given yourself the gift of flight and invincibility in a moment of uncontrollable, pure, potent, passion…I feel so…sorry? For you, I don’t know if that’s the word - I sat and wondered about that for a while…I don’t know what I feel for you, but you can not have fully appreciated life if there is nothing that has ever made you feel invincible.

Part II - “Because the difference between hard and impossible is a thousand miles wide.”

I am off of the antibiotics, finally. There were two days this week where getting out of bed was absolutely not an option. I was too tired and fatigued, I was not interested in carrying that fanny pack around with me any longer, so I avoided having to. I think i broke past the threshold of depressing that comes along with this. Not depressed that I have something that is entirely treatable - and that I will be fine. No, no, no. At one point I realised how long the last two weeks had been, how long that first day of laying in bed was, how restless I was, how much I wanted to get out of bed and do things, but how little energy I had to do anything. I think everything caught up with me, the lots of sleeping that I had not been doing, just how long six months is, just how long it had been since the last time I had been awake the time before I was awake each time between short few minute to few hour long naps through out the two day period.

I finally got myself out of it this morning. I felt better physically, though I still have a bit of a mental block…I almost feel overwhelmed by what I have to do and the amount of time that I have to do it in, but I think that may just be the waining effects of the depression. I’ve been taking naps on my desk while I’ve been thinking of what else to add. I have chemo Monday again, I’m pretty sure. Next week should be better, the weekend, at least.