January 2010
1 post
as of december 30th...
I am officially in remission. there were no signs of any residual cancer anywhere in me and uh, really that’s all there is to that. I have to meet with a radiation oncologist to discuss radiation therapy if there is even any need at all, which I hope he says there is not. So, you know…good news. I apologise for keeping this news to myself for so long, not having chemo and it’s...
October 2009
1 post
three, two, one...
I went for treatment number ten last tuesday and was informed that my counts had dropped severely from the day before and was given a shot and sent home, told to come back the following day. The next day after waiting what seemed like forever to get in the back to get chemo, upon sitting in the chair, while I waited to be hooked up and what have you, the head nurse came in after receiving my lab...
September 2009
2 posts
August 2009
1 post
the point of no return
Every time that I consider something in the sense of being more than halfway through I am for some reason drawn back to a line from the terribly cheap film, “Falling Down,” the movie where Michael Douglas loses it and starts on some sort of ill-fated mission and fights back against all the bullshit that he sees in the world. I can’t say for sure that this battle has been anything...
July 2009
3 posts
slowly losing my mind
atta boy, ativan. back again, baclofen? vicodin, vicodon’t. ambient ambien. no pain, no gain, lidocaine! the hilarious thing is that what is really the best cure for all of the things that they are prescribing me all of this garbage for is popsciles, so most of the time, i just eat a popsicle and my sore throat goes away, the pain in my neck and upper back, goes away. if i could ever force...
five down, seven to go
I had my fifth treatment of chemo today, first in the new port, second through a port overall. I currently feel like I am constantly at the, “uh oh” part of the process of vomiting. It went a lot better than I thought it would, actually - and my levels are way way way up from where they were. I think my doctor may be changing my over to neulasta instead of neupogen - because of the...
June 2009
3 posts
quick update
My picc line stopped working a few weeks ago - my last chemo treatment was taken through a peripheral IV. I will be having a new port placed by a surgeon in an operating room on Tuesday (as opposed to previously when it was done by a radiologist in a radiology room that was not a fully sterile environment.) I have chemo that Thursday and I pretty much expect to be out of functioning commission til...
As much as I try not to - I find myself standing alone, staring at various things, the stars, the moon, clouds, trees, plants, rusted spots on rusted things, cracks in concrete, all…particles of everything - and I ask myself, “Why me?”
Act and be kind. For the purposes of this world, believe For the purposes of the next, the only, the Vast and All world, believe. For the purposes...
Enjoy the gun show, folks!
I think I might be gaining weight, which is good…considering I had lost about 25 pounds.
May 2009
7 posts
quickly - more soon.
went to chemo today, my blood looks great, i’m not getting a new port placed any time soon, cause it’ll delay the treatment and i’m doing so well as it is. so picc line stays and that makes things easy. neupogen shots start tomorrow - not excited. slept through all of chemo, woke up wanting to vomit everywhere, lesson learned: eat before i go and try to stay awake long enough to...
chemo in a few hrs - can't sleep.
last weekend - starting with the daily neupogen shots she’ll be back soon and this time i’ll make a conscious effort to get more pictures and write things down as well. the neupogen really got to me. real bad bone pain - to the point of not being able to walk, but i went with it so as to make sure that she wouldn’t miss her flight. so far the bone pain and the pain of her...
still can't sleep
I’ve been in the habit of waking up a little too early and getting to bed a little too early, as well. There are so many weird feelings and pains associated with chemo and the neupogen shots. I have sensitive teeth as it is (I’ve previously ground the enamel off in my sleep) and today after my neupogen they were extra sensitive, made that delicious ice cream cone that I had a little...
Chemo intake II
Finally was able to start chemo again today after the two and a half weeks off with the anitbiotics from the staph infection. It was my first time receiving chemo at the oncology office - it took forever (I was there from 9-4, mostly just lots of people). It went really smoothly and the bulk of the process was the Dacarbazine which was in a drip that took two hours. I felt alright through most of...
in the name of progression
Came as a huge surprise to me that I couldn’t sleep again last night. Albeit, I napped most of the afternoon yesterday, while fading in and out of watching the Red Sox get slaughtered (sorry, New England friends). I wound up getting to sleep around 3:30 in the morning, I think and woke up somewhere between 5:00 and 5:30 am. I tried to get back to sleep for a long time to no avail, obviously....
couldn't sleep
For the past two weeks I’ve let this thing make me it’s bitch. I’m not going to be the bitch to a disease that I can make my bitch. I AM IN CONTROL OF THIS. -I want a bicycle, so that I can excercise and fall asleep without having to take sleeping pills that they’ve re-prescribed me, because now they don’t fucking work. I want to be TIRED. -I want to continue to go to...
sidelining the Rimbaud motif
Part I - “Because you can’t kill an Idea, I will not be ruled… because you can’t kill an idea, and we will not be ruled…”
To start off with - unrelated bit. I’m severely bummed out that I couldn’t make it to Chicago this past weekend for the Burning Fight book release show. I had planned since it was announced to get healthy and take myself for my...
April 2009
7 posts
Intermission II - Stagnant Thought
While all treatment has temporarily halted while I am on the antibiotics to treat the staph infection and I’ve been mainly been confined to my room for most of the past week that I’ve been out of the hospital I’ve had a great deal of time to think, in between sleeping ‘til early into the evening and attempting to move things around and put the mess that was made of various papers and home health...
Délires II: Alchimie du verbe - Delirium 2:...
Rimbaud: the narrator then steps in and explains his own false hopes and broken dreams.
April 20th - April 24th 2009 So where to begin with this one. I know that there had been an update forthcoming as it was. I can’t recall much of what happened between getting out of the hospital and waiting for my first outpatient chemo treatment, so I guess rather than bother wasting the time trying...
Intermission - Photos of progression
I feel like this is a fairly important thing to include in the chronicling of this experience to help give everyone visual familiarity with the development and progress, the rising and falling action, if you will. This was taken when I was living in Providence, Rhode Island. This was September of 2008. I unforunately can not come up with a more accurate date. This is a decent “before”...
Délires I: Vierge folle - L'Époux infernal -...
This post is a little different, as I am currently sort of backtracking to catch up to where I am currently at I am just going to post what I had posted in my journal while I was hospitalized. The relevancy to this portion of Rimbaud is fairly vague and I think, when you read what I wrote at the time, the best connection is simply the word delirium, and please keep that in mind, I extend that...
Nuit en Enfer - Night in Hell
Rimbaud: highlights the moment of the narrator’s death and entry into hell.
Very late one night in October I packed all of my belongings because I was feeling like Providence may not be the place for me. I just wanted to see the two options in front of me in a visual sense. Providence outside around me, Tampa inside the boxes. I left that same night, four times, slept for an hour, was...
Mauvais Sang - Bad Blood
This is a side post regarding my current mental frustration in regards to comfort and confusion. The chemo has worked, and maybe it has worked too well. I feel fine, I feel incredible, I feel motivated.
This portion of Rimbaud’s poem is summarized as having “described the narrator’s Gaulish ancestry and its supposed affect on his morality and happiness.”
But what will...
Once if my memory serves me well...
Plagiarism, or perhaps just relevant enough to work. I should explain. I just created this, titled it once, and decided that it may do better with a different title. “Overpower, Overcome” became “A Season In Hell,” an homage to one of the two poems I’ve ever enjoyed as well as a decent format to borrow for the intents and purposes of this. Introduction: For all...